1. We have to come up with parameters for the definition of being "Thirsty" when it comes to talking to the opposite sex. It can't be as simple as just reaching out, but I've seen that being the norm more and more. You can't complain about being single if you're ready to throw someone under the bus for trying to converse with you. Here are a few suggestions for the "Thirsty" list: 3 unresponsive text messages; Sending unsolicited flowers; Sending a 'Sunday Night Slowjam' shoutout when not in a relationship; Trying to make plans after 3 strikes (plans made only to be cancelled/not honored); Contact only made after 9pm; 'Liking'/Commenting on more than 90% of Social Media posts; etc. I mean, these are just a few. Suggestions are welcome.
2. I feel like Halloween and Christmas are the only holidays that can be celebrated before or after the actual date. People were dressing up the weekend before and the weekend after Halloween this year and I bought a strand of bat shaped suckers for .10 last night. Nobody would ever complain about an early Christmas gift or one that comes in February. The radio stations start playing Christmas music the day after Thanksgiving and I usually don't take my tree down until mid January. All I'm saying is that nobody likes Peeps or turkey and stuffing in July.
3. Also, since we're on the subject, be weary of men who judge women for wearing "slutty" costumes. The jig is up, we see you and exactly what you're trying to do. Take that good guy act somewhere else.
4. When people do you harm, don't be mad at them. If you have to be mad, be mad at the people who let them get away with their deeds before you.
5. The trendy question in Los Angeles is "What do you do?"; The trendy question in Colorado is "Where are you from?"
6. True alcoholics base their food decisions according to which items would be least painful throwing up. If your friend claims to not like spicy food, they could be a closet alcoholic. Just a little FYI.
7. If you have a pair of "Beats by Dre" headphones, I assume you're rich (considering you're not a DJ or wave in the planes at the airport AKA you need them for work). Those headphones are the ultimate 'status' item for me. You could buy a pair of decent pair of headphones for say $5 but a pair of B.B.D. cost upwards of $200? That's 40 x the cost! Could you imagine paying 40 x the value for anything that in all reality that much better? I suppose you could get a foot-long caviar sandwich that would run $200 instead of a $5 foot-long from Subway, but would it be considerably better?
8. "Oh my phone is broke" is the worst excuse for not giving someone your phone number. Yes, I was rejected with this line. No, I am not proud. Yes, now I am embarrassed for having shared that. Not how I thought #8 would go.
9. One time I filled my gas tank up and immediately after I totaled the car I was driving. That was 10 years ago, I think I've filled my tank up less than 20 times since then. Not because I'm poor and don't have Beats by Dre headphones, but I don't think I could ever stomach losing $60 again should anything happen like that fateful day. If "C's get degrees", consider this "Twenty gets you plenty".
10. My mom thinks she's being polite when she says "She's not petite is she?". I have to reminder her that she isn't.
11. Sometimes the fact that a woman has a boyfriend is not as big a deterrent as is the fact of who her boyfriend is. Not much more unattractive than poor taste.
12. Checking yourself into the hospital for "exhaustion" or "dehydration" is only for celebrities.
13. I know it's bad luck to see a black cat, but is it still bad if the black cat is dead? I came home to a dead black cat in my yard on Tuesday and can't figure out what it means. If it is bad luck, I'm probably doubling it by talking about it on #13. Excuse me while I go shatter a mirror while walking under a ladder.
1. The age of trading passwords for Netflix/HBOGo/etc. is here and furthermore is alive and well. Never did I think I would live in a time where people could just trade "TV", much less in a time where I'd truly consider cancelling my cable service. I used to laugh at people who boasted about not having cable or even having a TV at all, but now I find myself closer than ever to joining the latter of that group and frankly it's a little scary.
2. The one problem of using someone else's password on Netflix/HBOGo/etc. is that they can see everything you've watched. Not a big problem since I usually stick to Curb Your Enthusiasm/The Newsroom on HBOGo and have watched the first four seasons of Breaking Bad in the last month on a borrowed Netflix password, but I'd be lying if I said I haven't ventured into an Arian Nation documentary on Netflix or the "Adult" section on HBOGo. The last thing I need is for my mom to see that browsing history, then again I could just blame it on another friend who I've lent the passwords to.
3. If you really want to know someone, look at their Google searches.
4. If you really want to depress yourself, take the "Am I an Alcoholic?" test online. I think you need only answer 'Yes' to 3 out of 20 questions to get a failing grade and the questions are really vague like "Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?" or "Have you ever had more than 5 drinks in one sitting?". Don't do this on a Friday, it will ruin your entire weekend.
5. Women like to be complimented on their intellect about 33% more than their looks.
6. If you take a shower at night and wear a pair of underwear to bed, is it acceptable to wear that same pair of underwear the next day or are they dirty from wearing them to sleep in? If you're wondering, I'm asking for a friend.
7. Phones should be like bars and nightclubs; no access or usage after 2am.
8. "The road to evil is paved with good intentions."
9. There is no reason to make love with the lights off. After all, a surgeon doesn't operate with the lights off in the operating room.
10. I can’t take your road rage serious if you have over 3 stickers on your car. Jovial people put stickers on their cars. Jovial people do not have road rage.
11. Every time I see a woman like another woman's 'selfie' on any given social media platform, all I can picture in my mind is the girl double tapping the pic and thinking to herself "this bitch thinks she's all fine".
12. Don't take a drunk text/call as an insult. Take it as a compliment. In their time of need, someone reached out to YOU. Well, you and probably 3 to 5 others but that's still pretty good odds when you think about it. Let's say your drunk texter/dialer has at minimum 100 contacts in their phone (I have 84, for the record) and they contact 4 people including you. That means you're in the top 4% of their thoughts. Small victories.
13. Most people think that when an old couple is together for 60 years and one dies and the other dies shortly after that, the second partner died of a broken heart. Maybe the second partner just outlasted the first because they were an ultra competitive couple or they made a bet? Maybe they hated each other and the second spouse want to live just long enough to see the other die? I'm not saying this is the case, I'm just not saying it isn't.
14. It is not ok to touch the stomach of a pregnant woman without permission unless you are the father, or mother, of the baby residing in said stomach. Even then, it's still weird.
15. It's unacceptable for 99% of the population to wear a Bluetooth headset (Secret Service members, The guy on 'Mad Money' excluded), but it is even more unacceptable for you to wear a Bluetooth headset if you're over 65 years of age. I get it, 40 is the new 30 so 65 must be the new 50 or something, but who could a 65 year old need to talk to hands free? Life Alert? 911 for when they've fallen and need both hands to get up? If my 65 year old grandmother is driving, I don't want her talking on the phone hands free. I'm just shocked she's driving, let's not increase the difficulty level.
16. One of the inherent differences between men and women is that women want to hear gossip about their exes, men do not.
17. The World Series is starting and I couldn't care less.
18. One of my guilty pleasures is listening to Pandora and trying to guess which song will be played next. I never win.
19. People who ruin the ending of shows, movies, or anything someone hasn't previously seen should die and go to hell. Ok, maybe they shouldn't go to hell but they should die but at least get a chance at salvation and going to heaven. Wait, that means if heaven is a great place to go and they get to go there because they died for ruining the ending of something then we're rewarding them for doing so. Gah, all I know is I'm pissed someone ruined the ending of Breaking Bad for me this past week by giving away a spoiler. Maybe they shouldn't die, but they should have to eat fried Twinkies and Oreos until they end up in the ER or something equivalent.
20. The premise behind shots is so flawed. In my experience, a shot of alcohol is typically followed with another beverage of choice (Beer, Mixed Drink, Wine, Etc.). The sole purpose of taking a shot is to get drunk, and it's completely socially acceptable. Could you imagine if someone ordered two vodka/sodas and proceeded to drink one of them in one drink and then sipped the other?!?! They'd be shunned as a complete alcoholic yet if they take a few ounces of vodka as a shot and sip a vodka/soda after, well then that's completely normal. Presentation is 9/10ths of the law, or wait, is that possession? I forget.
1. The only true test of seeing if an ex is really over you is if they set you up with someone else. No sane person who still has romantic feelings for another person is keen on the idea of seeing that certain someone with a new squeeze, much less facilitating it. Then again, the ex could just be crazy and try to set you up with someone out of spite or just to see what you'll do. I really don't have this figured out.
2. The invention of iMessage has taken the ability to stalk others to a new level. Now you can see when someone is blatantly ignoring you with the ability to see if your text message has been "read". I fall prey to this because of my inability to have unread messages festering in my inbox, regardless of my desire or intention to respond to those messages. If you get a "read" receipt from me and I haven’t responded, just assume I'm dead instead of me being rude. It'll make us both feel better.
3. Can we give Drake some slack for being overemotional? He's 26 and by the sounds of it has made the same mistakes with women that 90% of 26 year olds have. He has a bigger budget to make those mistakes which probably makes them that much worse. Poor kid lives with that real remorse. Fortunately or unfortunately for him, he conveys that to millions of people. Let's not pretend that the majority of young men have plead with a woman over mistakes they've made, I'm just glad mine weren't broadcasted over a Timbaland beat.
4. The Rockpile section at Coors Field is as underrated as Broncos vs. Raiders rivalry games are overrated. $4 to see a major league game is basically free.
5. If the candidate on your bumper sticker loses his or her race, there has got to be a time limit of how long you can leave the sticker on your car. Having a Kerry/Edwards sticker on your Hyundai is like wearing any 'Buffalo Bills - AFC Champions' from the 90's. Let's put an end to celebrating mediocrity.
6. I'm officially 28 now which means my Wal-Mart receipt now includes a 9 pack of air fresheners for my house in addition to two Star Wars light sabers. Growing up, one year at a time.
7. Adding "All" in front of any adjective or noun multiplies it by at least 80%. I.E. "That girl was fine" vs "That girl was ALL fine" or "I was fucked up last night" vs "I was ALL fucked up last night".
8. Sometimes the forbidden fruit is the sweetest.
9. A nickname should be a shortened version of a name, correct? Danny can be Dan. Dominic can be Dom. Jennifer can be Jenn. You can't add letters to a name to use as a nickname. Julia cannot be Julie. Donald cannot be Donnie. Rob cannot be Robbie. I think it's only these damn E's that are causing the problem.
10. Boot Day may be better than Tank top day. Tank top day is the first day of spring in which women ditch the scarves and sweaters for shorts, skirts, and tank tops. Boot day is the opposite. Traded in are the tanks for the knee high riding boots. Something about those boots make me feel some type of way.
11. It's only bad to text your ex if they don't text back. If they text back, you're in the clear.
12. It's 2013. It is far more socially acceptable for two men to be gay than it is for two straight men to go to a movie together.
13. I feel like woman are far more able to sacrifice looks in a mate for personality and good treatment than men are. We suck. A bunch of Shallow Hal's.
14. Men are pigs when it comes to eating, ask any guy you know and they can dish out a story in which they ate two Chipotle burritos (allegedly) or an entire pizza in one sitting. Don't trip, women are just bad but they don't brag about it. That's the difference between men and women. Men will wear the two burritos or pizza as a badge of honor where women see it as a scarlet letter.
15. I recently found out that Netflix has been added as a site that is blocked at my job. This pisses me off, not so much because it's blocked because I get the whole "this is work, you should be working and not watching Netflix" thing but more so that someone ruined it for the rest of us. I take slacking off at work serious, it's an art and I don’t care for people who don't take it equally as serious. Get your Ctrl/Alt, multiple internet window, Netflix on the phone game up before you ruin it for your office. If you can't hang, don't hang out. The internet is serious business.
If the old adage “all good things must come to an end” is true, then maybe it’s time to start saying “all great things find a way to endure”?
After a successful run as a soul series at The Living Room on Broadway, ‘Adore’ has a new home and new name. Debuting tomorrow night at Epernay Lounge, deep in the heart of the theater district of downtown Denver, ‘The Blueprint’ will continue offering premier live music performances and feature various artists from the Denver vocalist scene.
“We chose Epernay not only because of location but because of its capacity to provide supreme service and the utmost professional show atmosphere.” commented Ru Black, host and creator of The Blueprint series.
Kicking off the first evening at Epernay will be CRL CRRLL. CRL (Carl) is a singer, songwriter and producer whose style has been compared to a mix of The Weeknd, Flying Lotus and Miguel. CRL CRRLL has been gaining more and more buzz and a Denver insider was singing his praises after his performance last night at the 5280 Urban Music Awards.
In addition to weekly performers and Ms. Black, The Blueprint is rounded out by live painting of Karma Leigh. Karma is a painter, designer and handmade jewelry crafter. Karma will be putting her touch to the canvass each Tuesday as the performers serenade all in attendance with their creative talent.
Enjoy Tuesdays at Epernay Lounge and ease into your week with sultry sounds and gorgeous libations.
The Blueprint; an evening of live music at Epernay Lounge1080 14th Street; Denver, CO 80202 8pm-Midnight.
Find more on CRL CRRLL here...
1. I can’t understand for the life of me how women fawn over songs detailing how men have cheated on or mistreated their girlfriend/wife and are then pleading for forgiveness, much less how they fawn over that singer. If I cheat and go to a girls house and sing a song, the police are getting called. If Justin Timberlake does it, he gets to host Saturday Night Live.
2. I don’t know of a more tedious task than washing socks and matching them into pairs after they come out of the dryer. I’ve reached the point where I’d rather buy new socks and do launder the ones I have. I have more money than patience, which isn’t saying much.
3. I used to be of the thought that when you see someone's ex, there is no need to tell them of your encounter…until someone told me about an encounter with mine. Sometimes you need to hear things you don’t want to hear to put things in perspective. My question now is, did the person who told me about seeing my ex tell my ex about seeing me?
4. I need someone to explain our fascination with the end of the world. Every time I go to the theatre, I see at least one preview for an apocalypse movie. I’ve been going to movies for 20 + years, that’s a lot of apocalypse flicks. More importantly, does the world actually ever end in any of these movies?
5. I just made myself feel really old by using the term “theatre”. Also, I said 20+ years of movie viewing because I don’t know when I saw my first movie in a theatre. What is the right age to take a child to a movie? Three years old? At what age do you have to start paying for them? I think children under five should be free for movies.
6. If I invite you somewhere and you hit me back with “Who’s all going?” or “Who’s all there?”, consider yourself uninvited. One strike policy.
7. You cannot trust to get your haircut at any establishment which spell “cuts” with a K (i.e. Fresh Kuts). If you disregard this advice, please feel free to pick me up a $20 “authentic” jersey next time you go to get a haircut.
8. What is the earliest you can call someone in the morning? 8am? Let’s face it, if you’re not up by 8am then you’re probably not getting up any time soon and likely have no interest in answering a phone call of any kind that day.
9. The last few nights it has been too hot to sleep. If it's too hot to sleep, it's too hot to cuddle. I’m hot, what makes you think I want your hot body all over mine?
10. #9 is likely why I’m single.
11. If you're talking to/texting someone and they tell you goodnight before 7pm, they're married.
12. The best intentions pave the road for devilish behavior.
13. Playing Candy Crush is like using food stamps; People are often embarrassed to admit they need them/it but might die without it.
14. What is the policy on finding a piece of bread in the bread bag with a little speck of mold on it? Does this ruin the entire loaf or can you throw the one piece out and look for a good one in the bottom of the bag?
15. I don’t care how much I loved a woman, there’s no way I’m buying a same day flight to chase her down like they do in the movies. How rich are the characters in movies that they can fly cross country at the drop of a hat for love? I just checked Southwest for a flight from Los Angeles to New York for today, $1200. If I spent $1200 dollars to chase a woman, I would hope the woman would dump me just for the fact that I blew $1200. “We could have went on vacation with that much money you idiot!”
16. I’m all for earning “brownie points”, but do we ever get to actually get to cash them in? I imagine a room like they have at Dave and Busters in which they have items like “Watching the game uninterrupted” and “You don’t have to come with me shopping” in exchange for all the brownie points accumulated.
17. It’s 2013, how is that getting a pair of eyeglasses can still take upwards of two weeks? You can walk into a laser clinic and get 20/20 vision in an hr but have to wait weeks for glasses? Huh?
18. Last night I bought a watermelon but couldn’t muster up the energy to cut it. This is why I need a wife. Isn’t that how it works? Daddy brings home the bacon, or watermelon in this case, and mommy prepares it? If not, why did I watch all that Leave it to Beaver as a kid?
19. Making mistakes is a part of life. The mistakes aren’t as important as how you proceed from those mistakes.
20. I’ve started judging people’s wealth on if they have milk delivered to them from a dairy. That’s next level money.
21. It should be illegal to put a bumper sticker on a car before it has license plates.
22. We’ve become a society where we look at marriage as “committed dating”.
23. They’ve shut down the highway near my house for two months due to construction which has resulted in a mile detour to get to the highway I use for my daily commute to work. It’s amazing what a difference a mile can make. I’m used to seeing people walking to liquor store on my way to work, now I’m actually seeing people walking their dogs.
24. When a friend comes to you and tells you something that was said about you to them by someone else, don’t question what was said. Question why the person who said it felt so comfortable saying it to your “friend”.
25. It’s good to be back.
Kanye West - Bound 2
"Close your eyes and let the word paint a thousand pictures, One good girl is worth a thousand bitches..."
Kendrick Lamar – Sing About Me, I'm Dying of Thirst
"How many sins? I'm running out. How many sins? I lost count..."